New Year!

 

It’s going to be a good year! Yes, that has been my mantra every year or as long as I can remember. I say this hoping the year will be better than the year before. As I said this mantra around this time last year, I had high hopes that it would actually be a “good year.” Well this year turned out to be the hardest by far. It turned out to be a year of loss for me.

During the beginning of the year, I found a lump on my neck while on maternity leave. I had it checked and never went back for a follow up rather dismissing it as nothing. With convincing from co-workers, I went back to the surgeon and ended up having two surgeries to remove my thyroid gland, surrounding lymph nodes and RAI radiation therapy because it was in fact malignant “CANCER” Papillary Follicular Variant to be exact. I’ve been told by some, “If you are going to have cancer well this is the “good” cancer to have”. Well I know it could be worse, but it has not been easy. I have yet to get my levels right. My body constantly goes numb, I feel like I am going through puberty, my emotions and weight are all over the place. I’ve been told I will constantly be adjusting my thyroid levels from the rest of my life.  For the next 5 years I will have a low dose of radiation and a body scan to ensure the cancer has not come back. There is a 30 percent chance that it could come back. I never realized how much I appreciate my thyroid until it was taken out. This condition seems harder to adjust for women. Our bodies are constantly adjusting with our hormones and if you don’t have a thyroid gland to adjust to what is going on in your body, everything goes out of whack. I know for some who have experienced this type of cancer it has been a breeze, but please remember that no two people respond the same way to an illness or treatment. The bright side of all this was it became a wakeup call for me. Life is too short to stress and to appreciate what I have in life. And another bright side, now I have an excuse for my crazy.

A few relatives passed away this year, a few first cousins, and some family friends. Although I was not close to any of them it’s a sad thought.

The hardest loss this year was my dad. He fought a hard painful battle with cancer. He tried every treatment he could try to prolong his life. Watching him take his final breath was sad but beautiful. I never knew I would ever be able to handle that kind of situation. You never know how you are going to deal until you are faced with it. Since his death, I feel like I haven’t really grieved yet. I don’t think it will truly hit me until I go back to the Philippines to visit and realize he is not there. Or perhaps, when I visit family in California and am reminded of him by faces of so many relatives that resemble him and then realize he is no longer with us. It’s hard to see the bright side in his loss but at least he is no longer suffering and in pain. I am  grateful to be able  to say that I had a caring loving father that was so selfless.

I’ve lost friends this year not by death, but by distance. You all will be missed. It’s sad that you will not be close by to share our daily lives together. The bright side in this is that you all have taught and changed me a bit and I know I will have all of you as lifelong friends from afar.

This year was made a little easier with the love and support of friends and family. My mother, brother and sisters I love with all my heart. We all may be different but are still very supportive and loving with one another. And as we dealt with our father’s death, we did it together. We may have different views and some may be more eccentric than others, I wouldn’t change any one of them. I know my father looks down on us with a smile knowing we are closer than ever. My extended family/friends, I am truly blessed to be surrounded by thoughtful, compassionate caring individuals.  Please know that it warms my heart that I had your support and that it will never be forgotten.

 I realize as I age so does everyone else in my life and that more loss is inevitable. This year has strengthened my resolve. Be happy and live life to the fullest because tomorrow isn’t promised. I- can- handle- anything. “Bring it on life!”  So as I start to look to the future and the upcoming year, I’ve changed my mantra a bit because “good” just won't’ do, “It’s going to be a fabulous year!, It’s going to be a fabulous year!”

 

 

“For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.”
― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

 

 

                                                         My family 30++ years ago.

The evolution of "us"

Here we are 14 years later, a little older and maybe a little wiser. I know the critics thought this would not last. You know who you are. After all, we were young kids when we got married. I was only 21 and you were about to turn 25. When I think about our girls getting married at 21, it horrifies me. I have decided they are not to date until they are 30. Can I really do that?

Unfortunately, I would have to admit in our years together after all the angst in our life, there were times I just wanted to run away. I realize most couples feel like that from time to time and I'm sure you felt the same. I'm glad that I put those thoughts to rest. We have been through a lot in or 16+ years together. We have had and still have a lot of growing up to do. I think when you start a relationship young and with a young immature mentality it tends to carry on into adulthood. Slowly but surely we are overcoming that.  

We are so much alike. We both enjoy the same things, we love a good laugh and have a good time together. Another way we are alike is we think more highly of the other than of ourselves. We both know how to push one another's buttons. I guess that tells me that we know one another really well. 

I am so proud of you. I love that you are willing to play with our girls. I love how you started to really listen to the things I want in our relationship. I love how you recently surprise me at work with lunch. I love that when you can, you want to pick up the girls early at daycare so they are not the last one’s there and so as you put it “they feel loved.” I love that you think I can decide what is best for you because you don't realize what wonderful gifts you possess. You are important, loved, and a wonderful friend. We can be stupid together. You have never shut me up. I'm sure there has been times that would have been warranted. You let me be silly, crazy, obnoxious and loud. You let me tell corny jokes and dance silly and never act like you are embarrassed by me. You most importantly let me be me. I never wanted to admit this to you, but you have taught me a lot of things I never knew. Growing up as a 1st generation  Filipino-American I never wanted to admit I was clueless about a lot. The one thing that stuck out the most was 16 years ago you introduced me to quiche. On the menu, it said “Quiche of the day” I thought it read “Quickie of the day.” I though perhaps this is a fast meal or …..yes my mind wondered. But of course It seems trivial and funny now, but hey, who knew?. Obviously, not me.

As the Chinese zodiac points out we are perfect for one another, me being a horse and you tiger. Here is to agreeing with that. I know we are the only one's who would put up with one another. I know there is no such thing as "happily ever after" like the books I tend to read. This I know is real. This is life. This is our life. This is us!  

Thank you for listening and sometimes pretending to listen to me all these years. That should count for something.

Happy 14^th Anniversary!!!!

Then (1997)

 

 

 

Now (2013) 

My dad....

has always been my No.1 supporter. As I thought about my first post on this blog, the first person that came to mind was my dad. He has never questioned my knowledge and abilities, believing I can do anything if I put my mind to it. I take after him in so many aspects. The most obvious is our looks. For as long as I can remember family and family friends would say "hey Zacarias" that being my dad's name. We both are pretty easy going but if pushed enough have a hot temper. We are pretty passive but if we feel passionately about something we can be assertive fighters. We both love to laugh. His smile is pure sunshine. In our family we say "the Clementir's eyes even smile." He taught my siblings and I how to swim. He loves to swim and always dreamed to be an Olympic swimmer in the Philippines. All my siblings joined the swim team in high school. I guess I was a lousy student because Terry (my husband) believes my swimming looks more like a person on the verge of drowning. He has been our rock and did everything in his power to never say "no" to anything we wanted or more importantly needed.
Growing up he lost his mother at the age of 2. He would tell us about having to live with various families and worked for them just to have a roof over his head and food to eat. He wanted more for us and survived the culture shock of moving to United States so that we had more opportunities and a better education.
He has always wanted the best for his family and has sacrificed the ultimate price, his health and well being to help support us. My father has Mesothelioma. He contracted this rare cancer from working on building and restoring military destroyer ships. Even with his declining health, the only thing my father is concerned about is the well being of his family. It saddens me that my daughters will never truly know how wonderful their Lolo "grandfather in Filipino" is and how much he adored them. And as I write this getting teary eyed, I can't help but think scratch that know that I have been truly blessed to have the most wonderful man as my father. If I can be half the man he is with his work ethic, strength, determination, loyalty, and love I would make for a near perfect individual who would have lived a full life in this large world. My lot in life is for him to be proud of me. By my standards I have a lot of work to do, but by his I know he believes I have done it all. Here's to all the daughter's who desperately love their fathers.




Kylie and my dad "Lolo" (May 2012)