New Year!

 

It’s going to be a good year! Yes, that has been my mantra every year or as long as I can remember. I say this hoping the year will be better than the year before. As I said this mantra around this time last year, I had high hopes that it would actually be a “good year.” Well this year turned out to be the hardest by far. It turned out to be a year of loss for me.

During the beginning of the year, I found a lump on my neck while on maternity leave. I had it checked and never went back for a follow up rather dismissing it as nothing. With convincing from co-workers, I went back to the surgeon and ended up having two surgeries to remove my thyroid gland, surrounding lymph nodes and RAI radiation therapy because it was in fact malignant “CANCER” Papillary Follicular Variant to be exact. I’ve been told by some, “If you are going to have cancer well this is the “good” cancer to have”. Well I know it could be worse, but it has not been easy. I have yet to get my levels right. My body constantly goes numb, I feel like I am going through puberty, my emotions and weight are all over the place. I’ve been told I will constantly be adjusting my thyroid levels from the rest of my life.  For the next 5 years I will have a low dose of radiation and a body scan to ensure the cancer has not come back. There is a 30 percent chance that it could come back. I never realized how much I appreciate my thyroid until it was taken out. This condition seems harder to adjust for women. Our bodies are constantly adjusting with our hormones and if you don’t have a thyroid gland to adjust to what is going on in your body, everything goes out of whack. I know for some who have experienced this type of cancer it has been a breeze, but please remember that no two people respond the same way to an illness or treatment. The bright side of all this was it became a wakeup call for me. Life is too short to stress and to appreciate what I have in life. And another bright side, now I have an excuse for my crazy.

A few relatives passed away this year, a few first cousins, and some family friends. Although I was not close to any of them it’s a sad thought.

The hardest loss this year was my dad. He fought a hard painful battle with cancer. He tried every treatment he could try to prolong his life. Watching him take his final breath was sad but beautiful. I never knew I would ever be able to handle that kind of situation. You never know how you are going to deal until you are faced with it. Since his death, I feel like I haven’t really grieved yet. I don’t think it will truly hit me until I go back to the Philippines to visit and realize he is not there. Or perhaps, when I visit family in California and am reminded of him by faces of so many relatives that resemble him and then realize he is no longer with us. It’s hard to see the bright side in his loss but at least he is no longer suffering and in pain. I am  grateful to be able  to say that I had a caring loving father that was so selfless.

I’ve lost friends this year not by death, but by distance. You all will be missed. It’s sad that you will not be close by to share our daily lives together. The bright side in this is that you all have taught and changed me a bit and I know I will have all of you as lifelong friends from afar.

This year was made a little easier with the love and support of friends and family. My mother, brother and sisters I love with all my heart. We all may be different but are still very supportive and loving with one another. And as we dealt with our father’s death, we did it together. We may have different views and some may be more eccentric than others, I wouldn’t change any one of them. I know my father looks down on us with a smile knowing we are closer than ever. My extended family/friends, I am truly blessed to be surrounded by thoughtful, compassionate caring individuals.  Please know that it warms my heart that I had your support and that it will never be forgotten.

 I realize as I age so does everyone else in my life and that more loss is inevitable. This year has strengthened my resolve. Be happy and live life to the fullest because tomorrow isn’t promised. I- can- handle- anything. “Bring it on life!”  So as I start to look to the future and the upcoming year, I’ve changed my mantra a bit because “good” just won't’ do, “It’s going to be a fabulous year!, It’s going to be a fabulous year!”

 

 

“For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.”
― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

 

 

                                                         My family 30++ years ago.